Title: 1st to Die

Author: James “I’m stinking rich off America’s lack of taste” Patterson

ISBN: 0446610038

Readable: 4th grade- nothing too complicated or with too many syllables, although the cliches and cliff…

hangers could damage fragile, developing minds.

Characters: Cardboard, contrived, totally unbelievable.  But who needs characters with souls when you have BadPlot Twistpants as your author?

Plot: A little Crossing Jordan, a little Law and Order and a bit o’ Lifetime Movies and Boom!  You’ve got an uber dramatic, soap opera dish sprinkled with “I’m just here ’cause people like CSI” forensic stuff, and drowned in twists so snakeish that you don’t see them coming until they bite you in the ass,- with four foot long fangs that penetrate your colon, causing the intelligent reader to shout, “WTF- where did that come fr- Ow! My gut!  This senseless cut and paste plot is killing me!”

Verdict: Blech, good for doorstops and bored reading on the plane, when you’re not really concentrating because your eyes are mysteriously drawn to the bushy eyebrowed guy across the aisle. 

I’m in a mood today, can you tell?  Moving on, this book didn’t sit very well with me. I honestly felt as if I was reading a script for one of the thousands of CSI knock offs that appear every other day.  Grisly, violent crimes, complete with peeks into a psychotic mind that have to be solved by a tough hard working cop/scientist/lawyer with tons of insight, a heart of gold and a messed up personal life that somehow ends up the killer’s target. 

Meet Lindsay, a tough, hard working cop with tons of insight, a heart of gold and a messed up personal life.  She has bullied her way into homicide as a detective and doesn’t take any crap from ‘the boys.’  She has a dog and lives in an incredibly expensive townhouse in San Francisco, and never worries about money. 

While going after the bloody psycho with the bad childhood, we hear about her terribly boring childhood- disappearing dad, dead mom, etc.  Then she joins together a motley crew of women, a reporter, a lawyer and a medical examiner into a ‘murder club,’ which doesn’t mean what it sounds like, unfortunately.   They are trying to solve the murders in painful scenes that scream ‘Man trying to write as a female and failing miserably.’  Patterson doesn’t do too bad with on woman on her own, but  he has no grasp on the female group dynamic whatsoever. 

And really, what cop or lawyer will chat about ‘unreleased details’ to a reporter?  Especially one they just met!  How does she earn their trust so quickly you ask?  By sneaking in to the crime scene!  Afterwards, a cheesy, sickening speech about how she just wants the killer off the streets seems to get her an all access pass to the crime solving team.  Ri-damn-diculous!

Anyway, Despite all the bad, bad characters, I actually wanted to see who they killer was, so I plowed through it, skipping the crappy romance and all the “I’m going to die from this horrible disease” crap Lindsay moaned about (not to mention the moment she becomes the killer’s target).  Finally, the end, twistified and seemingly well thought out, until he added a completely unnecessary and totally unbelievable final scene that made me want to hurl. 

The short version- this book is incredibly overdramatic, manipulative, boring and takes itself way too seriously.  Like almost everything else I’ve read in this genre, the plot was overblown and the charaters unsympathetic and badly written.  Disappointing.

So I haven’t posted in a while, but I’ve been thinking about it.  Honestly, I think about it almost every day, but due to my insane work schedule and extreme lack of an internet connection, I just can’t seem to find the time.  Hell, I barely find the time to shower.

Moving on, let’s see what is new in my life.

*I’ve been checking out web designs to get some ideas for this place.  I really want to update the format a bit.  I’m taking suggestions by the way.

*Searching for a grad school, Brown is the top contender for the moment, but I may be shooting a little high there.  Who cares, I may as well try, it’s only 70 bucks, and my fragile ego. 

*Studying for my GRE, see above.

*Not watching nearly enough baseball- but hearing waaaaaaay too much about the AllStar Game.

*Reading yet more anthologies and short stories, but not too many good ones.

*Trying various methods of getting a good night’s sleep; herbs, reading insurance text books, soothing music, staring at the TV laughing at the least funny show I’ve ever seen (in the form of Yes, Dear) from total exhaustion.  Insomnia is a bitch.

*Trying  to decide if I want to go down the Rx path again for the above issue, I hated it last time, but it worked.

*I’ve collected two years worth of writing together into a binder so I can get some of the old juices flowing, but seeing as I have almost no spare time, who knows where that will go.  On the plus side I found some of my high school research papers, “Aztec Trading and Merchant Classes” good stuff!

That’s pretty much it, beware forth comming tirades against the state of country music, crappy writing and not being able to find a job.

Scene 1, Day 1

The Big M- “Damn, you’re pink!” 

Me: (Having not noticed at all until he says something) “Ahhhhhh!”

Scene 2, Day 1

Chicklet’s Mom- “Ohmygod!  You are soooooooo burnt!”

Me -”I know”

Chicklet’s Mom- “That has to really hurt!”

Me: “It does”

Chicklet’s Mom- “Seriously, you are soooooooo red!”

Me: “I know”

Scene 3, Day 1

The Big M- (snickering) “We thought you wanted lobster for dinner”

EF- (distracted)-”What?”

The Big M- (Points to me) “You know, Lobster”

EF- “Oh”

Scene 4, Day 1

Brat: (Rubbing aloe on my shoulders) “Trying to fly into the face of the sun?”

Me: (Near tears) “My wings (-sniff-) melted”

Brat: (With true sincerity) “Sorry Icarus, I should have warned you ’bout that”

Man, do I have cheesy titles or what?  I really need to work on that. 

So the wedding was great, fabulous fun and I got all weepy.  Not just because of the romance, mainly because of the wind.  It was June, in Iowa, next to a lake.  Seriously, I don’t think it was that cold in April!  It was something like 45 degrees with 30mph winds.  The sand was everywhere, in my hair, ears, eyes – thus the tears.

Unsurprisingly enough, SS looked amazing, as always.  She’d look perfect in a garbage bag.  The wedding was just as lovely, with punked out groomsmen and a ringbearer with a seven inch mohawk.  My Mother would have hated it. 

Mom-repelling-ness aside, we all had a blast.  The frosty temperatures and white trash town did nothing to diminish the fact that one of my best friends in all the world just married her soulmate.  That dump truck of alcohol helped as well. 

The bachlorette party was hilarious, 3/4s of the people were late, so we got to the bars long after we intended to, and so drank like fish to get as drunk as possible.  Thanks to the $1 you call its that wasn’t hard.  The bride herself got so trashed with all the shots she puked for hours.  The rest of us weren’t too bad, but we all kept TALKING WAY TOO LOUD and not realizing it.  I ran into a number of old friends and aquaintences, many of whom hadn’t seen me in over year and instead of the usual “what have you been up to” conversation, I yelled and hugged a lot.  I’m sure those people are looking forwrd to seeing me again.

I did get a nice welling up of longing for the days when I was in college.  I miss it a lot more than I thought I would.  I really think if nothing comes along in a bout a year or so I’m going to move back, and get a Masters in something.

Anyway, after the bachlorette party was the rehersal dinner, which thankfully I didn’t have to go to.  Thus I got to stay in my hotel room and chill out, which was tons of fun.  I can not explain to you the thrill of being 100% alone after have to live  with, dodge, accomidate etc. other people for so long.  The only person I could live with and truely feel at peace was the Roommate, and she’s gone off and got engaged.  So I’m on the search again.  Somehow I don’t think I’ll get as lucky again.

Gods, do I ramble or what?

Moving on, the day of the wedding was full of cold weather and worries about rain.  It was June in Iowa so naturally the temperature and weather predictions changed hourly.  It ended up about 45 degrees with a bitter wind rolling off the lake and, magically, no rain.  Thank the wedding gods it was a super short ceremony.  We all bundled up and headed to a tiny white trash town where we danced and drank and danced some more.  Then we went back to the hotel and drank some more.  Except for the Bride and Groom of course, they came to the hotel for a much better reason than alcohol.

It was a great weekend, I really did need the break.  I didn’t get to watch as much baseball as I wanted, but then again I never do.  I will be posting more on baseball and a few new books I’ve read later.  As for now, it’s back to the grind!

I am so in love with Naked juices and smoothies. I’m sipping a Red Machine with a look of utter glee on my face. I’m being good and loving it! If you haven’t tried it, save up (it’s expensive) or treat yourself, it’s bliss.

commercial over

Vacation to the middle of BFE for fun, drinking and general wedding merriment. And thanks be to the wedding gods for not making me a bridesmaid!

I need the break, I’ve been working my butt off at my miserable go nowhere jobs and trying to decide what to do with my loser life (I fear I may be becoming slightly self pitying). So I think a few days of no worries will do me good. Maybe I’ll even get around to writing those reviews I keep talking about and never doing. (hahaha)

Reading: Swords and Sorceress II

Watching: My life disenegrate into emo-madness

Listening : “My Favorite State of Mind” by Josh Gracin- I seriously can not get enough of this song!

With the newest increase in his salary, Kirk Ferentz has become one of the highest paid head coaches in college football. Raising his annual pay to $2.84 million along with a $1.4 million (his old salary) payment upfront. Not only does that put him in with the likes of Bob Stoops and Mac Brown, it also puts him above Jim Tressel. Anything that puts Iowa above Ohio State in anyway makes me a very happy girl.

Now, a lot of talk is swirling in this state about whether or not Kirk (hereafter referred to as the Black and Gold God or BGG) is worth that kind of money.

Anyone questioning that had better review their loyalties.

The man is worth more than his weight in gold- literally. The price of gold per ounce $638.00US * 16 oz * 180 (rough guess of BGG’s weight, as it was no where to be found on the web)= $1,837,440 Is he worth his own weight plus a million? Oh hell yes!

Take the numbers for example, three seasons in the Top Ten, two Big Ten Championships, 4 straight bowl games, 40+ drafted or signed NFL players and a whole host of awards- including AP Coach of the Year and the Heisman runner- up in 2002.

Then again, look past the numbers. The BGG is a bigger celebrity than Ashton Kutcher in Iowa City. Nearly everyone there worships him as I do. He’s creating a brand new legacy while still staying faithful to the Great Fry era of spirit, determination and full bodied love of the game. He reminds us all of the neighbor we’d love to have, the one who mows your grass without being asked when you’re on vacation, who has well-behaved kids and dogs who adored him rather than fear him and who is always willing to show up at your backyard party with a six pack and smile. He isn’t fake, he isn’t trying, he just is.

He never comes off as a hard ass, an idiot or a freak who believes football is the only thing that matters. He obviously cares about the reputation of the school, the love of his fans and the lives of the players he touches. He asks for respect and gives it freely, he is approachable, intelligent and humble. He deserves every bit of attention and every accolade but never lets it get to him. And he is very, very good at what he does.

It’s no wonder the NFL is scrambling to pull him into their ranks. There is no fear of a Spurrier-esque crumble because they see what the people of Iowa City, and the state as a whole, have seen since December 2nd, 1998 (and even before, when he assisted The Great Fry), the quiet, average looking Superman that molds talent into skill, crafts parts into a whole and makes an entire state bleed Black and Gold when they thought all was lost.

Maybe now that he holds court with some of the best college coaches in the all important status symbol of salary, he will be seen by all for what he is, the greatest coach in college football.

The BGG is more than a worthy successor to the Great Fry, he’s exactly the kind coach Iowa needs to keep them winning, growing and becoming the unstoppable force I know they can be. And they can do it without the drama, cheating and ridiculousness of Some Other Schools.

So is Kirk Ferentz worth his weight in gold?

No, he’s worth his weight in Black and Gold.

(Okay, that last line is cheese-erific, somebody help me come up with something better please)

I don’t know why that song is in my head, but it has nothing to do with my post. What is my post about? I haven’t a clue. I could review X-Men III, but I don’t really feel like doing that. I could go on a rampage about the ridiculous right wing fantatics trying to take away birth control, but then I’d likely never stop. I’m also in a decent mood and don’t want to ruin it with the bittersweet taste of righteous indignation and rage. I could talk about the Yanks or my beloved Hawkeyes, but not a whole lot has been going on in either camp, at least not anything I feel I must expound upon. Work has been sucky lately but I really don’t want to think about it since I’m not there. I’ve been reading a lot of short stories latley, mostly from Marion Zimmer Bradley’s Swords and Sorceress collection. Those aren’t really conductive to reviewing though, although god knows it’s never stopped me before. Basically, this is a post about all the things I don’t feel like posting about at the moment. It’s certainly been fun!

Reading: Sword and Sorceress IX

Watching: EF’s dog destroy things

Listening: The squeeky toys of the above dog

Two posts in three days and no lack of enthusiasm in sight. I have realized I can’t spell for crap though, I guess I’ll just to go out of my way and actually reread what I write. Sigh. Other than that unsurprising bit of news, so far blogging has been much more rewarding and fun then I anticipated from my former attempts. I actually like what I wrote in my first post. Well, like in the sense that I don’t feel like throwing up when I read it, which for me is a great step up from my usual opinion. Let’s keep this train rolling otherwise I’ll get so mired in patting myself on the back we’ll never get anywhere.

I am going to say one thing, and one thing only about the Barry Bonds home run hoopla:

He will never be remembered as a face of baseball, ‘the Sultan’ or ‘the Great’ he won’t be anything but Barry Bonds. No matter how hard he tries to make nice, which I don’t think he will, he will never hold a nickname or epithet that will carry on long after he is gone, into the annals of baseball history.  He doesn’t deserve it.

Moving on, Let’s talk about the Yankees. After a dashing effort by the second string on Wednesday, the Yankees are a mere half a game behind first. Seriously, I haven’t gotten to watch as much baseball as I would like to this year, but my boys are handling the injury crunch quite nicely. Randy Johnson looked his age in more ways than just crappy pitching. The Sagging Unit I saw on the mound is a far cry from the lanky Rubberband O’ Power I giggled at while he and the Diamondbacks drilled through the Yanks to World Series gold. It was depressing to watch, to say the least. He warmed himself up a bit towards the end, but even then I could only think of the death of a firefly. One last flash before the end. How sad!

This is not my first blog, in fact, it’s not my second or third blog.  I have a really bad habit of starting grandiose projects and working diligently for maybe a week before I get lazy and forget about it.  Let’s all cross our fingers and hope that doesn’t happen here, especially since I am paying for this one.   Hopefully that will goad me into actually doing what I set out to do.

And what is it I am setting out to do?  I haven’t really decided yet.  I know that there will be book reviews on the site, as well as various ramblings about sports, history, politics etc.  I suppose it is already evident how much I like to ramble.  The site will likely go through many revisions, especially the format, I’m working on making it a much nicer place to visit and a Hawkeye theme.  To be totally honest, I’m not the only one working on it, my boyfriend is helping a bit- or a lot- or doing all of it.  Hey, it’s only because he and I are control whores and can’t work together, not because of any lack of website skills on my end.

Moving on, this will look much better eventually, with neat little sections for the different kinds of posts and things, like a running list of books I’ve read along with the reviews, maybe movies I like or hate, lists of music or foods I feel strongly about one way or another- basically lists of stuff, I like lists.  In fact I may have a whole section devoted to lists.  That’s a great idea, it couldn’t possibly end up boring! EF, if you read this-remember a list section the next time we work on the site. I’ll also have the obligatory links page, comment section and such-although mine will be so much cooler than anyone elses.  I don’t know how yet, but trust me.

See, I could ramble on and on and on, why did I ever quit this?  As far as what I am reading/watching/listening to now:

Reading: The Free Bards by Mercedes Lackey

Watching: Gilmore Girls Season 4

Listening: O.A.R. and Train

Now, I’m leaving work, because I can’t stand this place.