A compilation of a 100 very similar conversations I have had with my brother. 

(Note: All italics should be read with the most annoying whine possible, complete with drawn out syllables. À la Dr. Cox on Scrubs. Practice until it drives someone insane. Did it force someone to grind their teeth so hard the enamel came off? No? Then you aren’t there yet. Don’t worry if you can’t quite get the right level of annoyance, the Brat has had 22 years to perfect it. I think the Dept of Homeland Security wants to study him to see if that whine could be used for interrogation purposes. I guarantee the suspects will talk just to make him stop!)

(Train- “Drops of Jupiter” fills the room from the iPod dock…)

the Brat: “That song is like, five years old!”

Hawkeyegirl: “…And?”

the Brat: “Why do you never listen to anything new?! You’ve listen to the same crappy songs forever!”

Hawkeygirl: “I listen to lots of new stuff, I just tend to like the older stuff better. And five years is not old…”

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Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman

Playing: Fable 2

Listening: Duffy and Nickleback

Shopping: Books, books and more books! I walk around in my apartment anyway, may as well fill it up to the ceiling!

Watching: Nova and Nature, because thanks to the DTV conversion, I have three PBSs!

Writing: Lists of things that are wrong in my life and how to fix them

So I promised a positive post, full of bunnies and kittens and rainbows issuing forth from unicorns. Joy and laughter and smiles and other happy shit. 

I lied. I lied to you through blog. I suck.  

I had a bad night, full of those horrible dreams where everything is vivid and real and strange. The dreams where all the people are real, the ones you see or talk to everyday but they are all just a bit off, like a Neil Gaiman children’s book, and no matter what you do you can’t break out of it. You wake up with tears on your face and these horrid images of people you love pushing all your buttons and saying nasty things, those things your psyche knows will break you down. I hate those dreams so very much. 

And now, I am back at work. Where every drop of joy and happiness you are clinging to gets immediately sucked through the vents the moment you step inside. They can’t just settle for your soul, oh no, Corporate America must have your happiness as well. After all, in this economy souls are worthless, much like three bedroom ranches with a fenced in yard and carport. Cheerfulness, contentment, peace of mind, wrenched from the hearts of the working masses, desperate to keep their jobs- this is where the real money is, just ask Wall Street.  The bitterness, it is sweet. 

Misery has opted to stay for a while, along with my wildly flailing hormones that seem to be on some kind of mission to prove just who is boss of my mental state. They are on a rampage, changing my mood every hour from depressed to sleepy to angry to melancholy to sad back to sleepy with a little hopelessness thrown in for good measure. I miss birth control. The IUD saves time and money but damn this is hell. 

Even my metaphors suck… sigh.    

Title Credits: The Simpsons, of course. Episode Quoted -Homer and Apu 5.13    

Eloquent as always I suppose.

Many, many things have happened.

My Mom died. It sucked. It really, really sucked. Still sucks in fact, will likely continue sucking for the rest of my life. Which won’t be much longer if I can’t stop fucking smoking.

I got engaged to The Boy. That doesn’t suck, but wedding planning, especially wedding planning without my Mom sucks. (The Boy used to be known as EF, but I decided I hated that. So I’m changing it).

I still have a shitty ass job that sucks more everyday.

I’ve gotten fatter and I hate it. Sucky.

I still live in my shitty, tiny apartment, now even worse because the Brat lives with me. He’s an okay roommate but there is NO MORE ROOM. It sucks.

I have no ability to write, at all, anymore. I barely read. It SUCKS.

That wedding I raved about a few years ago? Yeah, the marriage just dissolved. It really sucks, and now I’m scared to get married. Or rather, even more scared than before.

The Boy and are even further away from living together than ever before. I can not adequately state the suckiness of this development, other than to say, IT SUCKS.

I’m stressed, scared, depressed, my insomnia is worse than ever before, I feel sick a lot and have no money. I feel, for the first time in my life, truly 100% lost.  Things suck bad right now.

Just a message from your local downer. Something to let you know why six months have gone by without a post. That will change, I promise. I will also find some way to bring some positive to this blog also. I promise. It might suck anyway, but it will be positive!