This is late, I planned on having it posted on Sunday. Here it is, a belated birthday ode to my beloved. It fails at its objective, just as I predicted. Oh well, I tried. It’s difficult to describe deep emotions. I have multiple posts started regarding various strong emotions, many that will probably never be finished. But as The Boy’s 30th birthday approaches, I wanted to try, at least, to explain something of my feelings towards him. I will fail, miserably (what does it say about me that I set out to do something, knowing failure is a foregone conclusion?) and probably rewrite it sixteen times trying to get it right, but still I feel like it’s something I have to attempt. 

There are a lot of little reasons people fall in love. It wouldn’t be hard to sit here and wax poetic about his endless blue eyes or the neat, comfy way I fit in his arms or even the way his laughter erases the stress I don’t even know I’m carrying- it’d be easy, but it’d be a cop out. It’s harder, much, much harder, to put words to the deeper connections, the ones people don’t talk about a lot because it is so very hard to describe. I’m going to try. 

I’ve been in love before. I hated it. I hated feeling awkward, silly, out of control. I swore it wasn’t something I ever wanted to deal with again. But looking back now, with nearly a decade gone since that relationship, I realize that love was nothing like what I have now. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, as I prepare for the next stage of this improbable relationship. Comparing and contrasting my feelings then and now (yes, I am a geek, no, I haven’t made charts documenting this internal review of my relationships- yet) and trying to sort out what I’ve learned, how I’ve grown. To be honest, I feel like I am a completely different person, although it’s hard to say from the inside. 

I know more now, about myself and what I need out of a relationship. I know for sure I didn’t have what I thought I had the first time- and I would have never gotten what I needed from it. I know that what I have now is incredibly special and rare and I try my best not to take it for granted. I think the most amazing thing about my relationship with The Boy is how much I’ve changed and how little I’ve changed. It’s a weird dichotomy.

Prior to this relationship, I wanted three things out of life. I wanted to travel as much as humanly possible, I wanted to learn as much as I could about anything and everything, and I wanted to develop myself as a writer- even if nothing ever came of it. I convinced myself there was no room for anyone else on this path and was quite prepared to walk it alone. It never really occurred to me what would happen if I fell in love.  Lo and behold, The Boy comes along and for a while, I was lost. I wasn’t sure how I could juggle my independence, my hard wrought dreams and still make this relationship work. Yet, as we grew together, fought together, dreamed together- it happened. I find myself walking the same path as before, with a bottomless well of support standing next to me.   He makes me more me. As stupid as that sounds, it’s the best way I can describe it.

I am capable on my own, but I am better with him. He won’t do the work for me, he knows I have to win or fall on my own, but he believes in me. I can never put into words what it means to have someone truly believe in you. He knows without a doubt that I am capable of great things. He pushes me, covertly, without urgency but with stalwart, unshakeable belief that I am forever poised at the edge of something fantastic. But the best part of it all- I feel exactly the same way about him. 

He’s brilliant. It can be very difficult to live with a genius. They are moody, touchy and ready to burst with rage and/or inspiration at a moment’s notice.  Not everyone who knows him sees that. I sometimes hear him called ‘laidback’ and I giggle. He is anything but laidback when he is inspired. I love it. I love the intensity, I love being witness to workings of his mind. I love playing a role, however minor, in facilitating his ideas. I love acting as a sounding board, encouraging his passions and holding on tight for the ride. I don’t think I tell him enough, but I love watching him work. His enthusiasm is infectious. I would sooner cut off an arm then interfere with his brilliance. I will be there, in every needful capacity, to support him and his goals.

My dreams have taken on a new sheen, a new reality purely because of his passion, his lust to experience it all. He’s changed so much about me, and yet so little at the same time. It hasn’t been easy, I’ve fought the changes. I fought hard against falling in love with him- stubborn, blinded by a stupid belief that love was about self delusion, codependence and losing yourself in someone else. Once I failed to stop from falling in love with him, I fought even harder to keep my sense of self. I didn’t want to change; I didn’t want to lose myself in him. Little did I see that I wasn’t really in danger in the first place- he never wanted me to change, he wanted me, as I was, dreams and moods and wanderlust-he wanted what I am, not some version of me who bases her identity off of other people. I was never really in danger of losing myself, but it didn’t stop me from fighting for a long time. 

I finally figured it out, ours is a partnership. Neither of us takes a backseat. We support each other, do whatever it takes to make the other happy and fulfilled. We aren’t anywhere close to perfect. We’ve fought. We’ve broken up. It’s funny to me that most of our fights and breakups were all caused by one or both of us over-thinking something.  We would argue ourselves into a corner about our relationship then just give up, for a few hours any way. But in the end, we always come back together. One or both of us will always fight to hold on, to keep us together. We’ve fallen a hundred times, and never failed to stand back up. 

The bond is really, truly indescribable. He is able to piss me off more than anyone I’ve ever met, but my core feelings never change. He can make me question my sanity, break my heart and send me into an uncontrollable fit of laughter all in the same day; hell, in the same hour. No one has ever affected me this strongly, no one has ever altered my life so dramatically. It’s scary and beautiful and wild. This bond we’ve formed, this deep attachment- it buoys us, chafes us, connects us- it never stops changing, forming and reforming as we do- evolution at its finest. We’ve been through the hardest times of our lives, together. And we both know there are so many more brilliant and heart breaking moments awaiting us.

He stood there, behind me, as they laid a flag over my Mother’s coffin; he cheered for me as I accepted my degree. He has rescued me when I ran out of gas, forty miles away. He has driven me home when I drank too much and laughed at me when I stubbed my toe and cried about it. He has taken care of my family and loved my friends. He holds me when I need it but lets me stand on my own two feet. He won’t carry me, but he’ll stand beside me, holding my hand. He is everything I never knew I wanted.


  I am so lucky- I get to be his girl. Happy Birthday Baby- I love you more than cheese.      

Title Credits- Prof. Frink “Flaming Moe’s” Episode 10 Season 3