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Catharsis, Thy Name is Music The Brat Hates

hawkeyegirl — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 18:42:02 +0000

Here is a smattering of lyrics and one whole song that I use to brighten up my day. My brother will hate them all, as usual.

my first love was a wild sinful night
I ran out with the big dogs guess I had more bark then bite
even thought I won the battle in the end I lost the fight
yeah my first love was a wild sinful night

my first love was an angry painful song
I wanted one so bad I went and did everything wrong
a lesson in reality would come before too long
yeah my first love was an angry painful song

-Wicked Twisted Road by Reckless Kelly

i’m waiting and fading and floating away
the curtains are torn and the setting decayed
i’m waiting and fading and floating…

-Panic Switch by Silversun Pickups

I can’t remind you all the time
Bring it back, bring it back
To where we were before
I can’t remind you all the time
No, no
Bring it back, bring it back

-Cigarette Song by All American Rejects

Old money helped him hide

his lack of education

now he’s using it to hide

the bruises on her cheek.

- Cursing the Ohio by Matt King

Girl if you’re the cure
give me the needle
bury it deep and
free me from this evil

‘Cause lonely’s setting in,
and my heart’s in bad condition.
Come on girl give in and feed my addiction.

I have tasted Eden’s Apple and
there’s venom in my veins
the bite still burns
I’ve lost the battle and
now only love can kill the pain

so tempt me with a whisper and
tease me with a touch and
cut me with those kisses and
let me bleed your love

now I’m walking through the garden
but it ain’t paradise
it’s cold and growing darker
with every lonely night

I ought to be ashamed
I know that its forbidden
but my soul bears your name
I don’t want to be forgiven

-Eden’s Apple by Matt King

theres not a lot of room to spare
in the belly of the beast
it makes a rumbling sound
shakes the earth beneath my feet

Bristol by Matt King

Well the sky was gray,
And the sea was green,
And your eyes were a colour,
That never been seen.
Got lost somewhere,
Out in-between,
Where I wasn’t where you wanted me to be.
Gonna get on my pony and ride,
Gonna get on my high horse and fly.

-Pony by The Waifs

It’s your turn to burn
Covered up in lies
And still so full of pride
I hope you choke
Cause its the sex I’ll miss the most

-Mosquito by SR-71

Through my bloodshot bourbon I caught her looking dead in the eye
I’m backed off in the corner and ready for the bullets to fly
….
Well, come on, last call, let’s get on the last train home
From the moment I walked in, I knew I wasn’t leaving alone
‘Cause when the lights are low, the blinds are closed and the shadows are on the wall
I got a way of breaking even without even breaking at all

-Bloodshot by Mickey & the Motorcars

Would you trade me for all the pretty girls,
All the ones who came before?
Who left you broken hearted,
With your back up against the wall.
…
Oh, Gather your load,
Prepare to travel the road,
That’s going to lead you from trouble and strife.

-Sun, Dirt, Water by the Waifs

You’ve crossed the finish line
Won the race but lost your mind
Was it worth it after all

-I’m No Superman by Lazlo Bane

Scotty doesn’t know that Fiona and me
Do it in my van every Sunday.
She tells him she’s in church but she doesn’t go
Still she’s on her knees and Scotty doesn’t know!

-Scotty Doesn’t Know by Lustra

It just takes some time,
little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright.

-The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

There’s nothing like a big old lie
A good record and a smoke to pass time by
Music gets me in the mood
It all kicks in and I sit back
And think about you

-Sweetness by The Waifs

Don’t touch my Willie
I don’t know you that well
Help yourself to some Haggard or some Jones
Hell, or anybody else
I don’t know what you heard
I ain’t that kind of guy
Yeah so don’t touch my Willie,
We’ll get a long just fine

-Don’t Touch my Willie by Kevin Fowler

Fear and Thought Worms

hawkeyegirl — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 18:39:58 +0000

Saturday was great fun, Sunday morning, not so much. Tequila usually doesn’t hit me too hard and I managed to get it out of it without hurling, but dear god my head hurt Sunday morning! But the house warming was a rousing success. I had a great time and think the rest did to, at least I hope so.

As much fun as it was, there was some small revelations as well. I’ve been pretty reflective and maybe a little overly sentimental since Mom died. I know this and have tried to just let it run its course but I’m starting to think it may be doing more harm then good. This phase of mine is a big reason why I haven’t posted a deep, emotional post here about her death. I don’t know that it’d be good for me right now, seeing as how I’ve been ‘in my head’ for the last 10 months. It’s getting a bit scary in there, I must say.

What the hell am I talking about? You want a point to that rambly paragraph? Well, aren’t you demanding!

Saturday, before the tequila took hold, a thought worm that’s been biding its time these past few months, bloomed big and bad. I looked at my friends and family. I saw people who’ve known me forever, people who’ve known me for just a few months. There were people who’ve seen me at my worst; people who’ve cheered my triumphs like their own, people who love me more than I deserve. People I absolutely adore. People I’d bury bodies for without a second thought, people I trust with my life, my heart and my books. I swelled up with love and joy and I felt humbled and special and blessed beyond words. Yay, happy happy awesome, for about thirty seconds.

Then the terror bubbled up.

I am so sick with fear of losing someone else. I’m paralyzed with it. Choked with it. I’ve never, ever been this scared of anything in my life. Last night I lay in bed, with The Boy snoring beside me (stupid sleep apnea) and almost lost it. I’d just tried to explain to him how scared I was of losing him and I failed. He told me he’d try to get healthier, but I don’t think he understood what I was saying. I am emotionally drained, I’m grieving and sad and I know all that is normal. The hard-ass logical side of my brain says this fear is normal too, but fuck, why is it so damn strong?!

It has gotten the point where at least a few times a day I look at someone I care about and have an internal freak out about them dying. It’s exhausting and depressing and contributes heartily to my strange mood swings. I can’t stay happy for very long, no matter what. I don’t know how to fix this. I keep hoping it’ll go away, that it is just a normal reaction to losing such a huge part of my life and I’ll learn to cope. I don’t usually associate fear with ‘bad’ emotions. I usually like it, on a roller coaster for instance, or moving some place new or driving way too fast. I’m used to fear being a wiggly, prickly thing in my stomach and goose bumps and that crazy, almost high thrill of being alive.

Now it’s something completely different. It’s cold and huge and painful. I do stupid things like count up the numbers of people in my life and figure the law of averages states x number will have some terrible accident or get some horrid disease or god knows what. I don’t even do it consciously anymore, it seems to happen on its own until I’m centimeters from a full panic attack at the thought of which one? Who will I lose? Who is unhealthy? Who drives like an idiot? And so on until only a tight grip pulls me back from hyperventilating and find something, anything to distract me from the morbid thoughts. Hell, I even do real work to get away from it and we all know how much I love doing actual insurance work.

I don’t really know what to do at this point. It’s gotten so I avoid some people, trying to pull away from loved ones without thinking about it. Trying not to care as much as I cower from the idea of the pain, the pain of losing someone else. That’s really what it is. I’m terrified of the immense grief, the deep sadness, the whole process of losing someone. It’s times like this I wish I had the kind of personality that is comfortable with religion. Faith just isn’t a part of who I am, but it’d be damned useful at times like this.

I’m hoping writing this out will help. I’m hoping some more time will help. I realize if it doesn’t I’m going to have to bite the bullet and find some outside help. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but I’ll do what I have to. It hasn’t even been a year since Mom died. There are probably a hundred other thought worms and mental changes happening or waiting to happen to me as I learn to live this whole new, Mom-less life. I fully expect to spend the rest of life grieving in some way. I’m giving myself time and space to get over the worst of it, but fuck, it’s hard.

P.S. The moral of this story is, don’t call me and tell me if you do something stupid, like drive your car off a ramp or jump through flaming hoops on a motorcycle. Please, I’m begging you, for the sake of my sanity, don’t do anything stupid. Or at least, don’t tell me about it!

Now Playing

hawkeyegirl — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 14:52:41 +0000

Reading: Greywalker by Kat Richardson

Watching: Warehouse 13 (LOVE!)

Shopping: For wine and bookshelves, IKEA and Target mostly

Playing: Haven’t set up the Wii yet, but we’re getting Rock Band soon!

Listening: Still obsessesed with Matt King, also Reckless Kelly and the song “Toes” by the Zac Brown Band

Now Playing

hawkeyegirl — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:06:19 +0000

Yes, I went a month without posting. I suck. There are plenty of things to blog about- another ghost hunt, a trip to a paranormal conference, many new books to review etc. Things are a bit crazy right now- we’re trying to find a place to live and I’m searching fanatically for a new job (that’s another post). Therefore I’m just updating the now playing info until I have a second to breathe.

Watching: So You Think You Can Dance? has replaced AI for my weekly TV night with the girls. We are walking too! So proud of us. Oh, I am liking Burn Notice but don’t have cable or reliabile internet, so I rarely see it.

Listening: M79 by Vampire Weekend and Mosquito by SR-71. Also the Naked Scientist Podcasts

Shopping: Nothing right now

Playing: Bowling on the Wii, sometimes Boxing

Reading: Santa Olivia by Jacqueline Carey, while I wait ever so impatiently for Namaah’s Kiss

Now Playing

hawkeyegirl — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 20:59:17 +0000

Reading: Neverwhere By Neil Gaiman (I know, I’ll get off this kick eventually, I promise)

Watching: American Idol, Medium and One Tree Hill (Why yes, I am a loser,thanks for asking)

Shopping: For the Boy’s birthday- got any ideas? Just in case you weren’t aware, he will be 30. Damn, that’s old!

Playing: Still Fable 2, but I’ve gotten bored with it.

Listening: Everclear, because I like to think I am still in High School. Please don’t shatter that illusion.

Now Playing

hawkeyegirl — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:03:39 +0000

Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman

Playing: Fable 2

Listening: Duffy and Nickleback

Shopping: Books, books and more books! I walk around in my apartment anyway, may as well fill it up to the ceiling!

Watching: Nova and Nature, because thanks to the DTV conversion, I have three PBSs!

Writing: Lists of things that are wrong in my life and how to fix them

Now Playing

hawkeyegirl — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 16:53:40 +0000

New Job! New NaNoWriMo! New soapbox speeches!

Are we excited yet?

Reading: No Polt No Problem By Chris Baty

Watching: America’s Next Top Model (I know, I know)

Listening: Pat Green and Miranda Lambert

Shopping: Half Price Book Store (shocking, I know)

Playing: Mystery Case Files Madam Fate

Now Playing

hawkeyegirl — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 02:42:44 +0000

Watching: Preseason Football, and teh Scripes Spelling bee (I actually got one right! A-f-f-i-c-h-e)

Listening: “All my friends say” by Luke Bryant

Reading: “The Silver Lake” by Fiona Patton and “Slut” by Leora Tanenbaum

Shopping: “www.customgirl.com” and “freeitunessongs.blogspot.com”

Playing: mostly just crossword puzzles

Now Playing

hawkeyegirl — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 14:46:36 +0000

Reading: As many vocab books as I can find

Listening: Miranda Lambert

Playing: Casual games at BigFishGames.com- at this current moment, it’s Chocolatier

Shopping: Not much, saving money, mostly just the grocery store

Watching: Again, not a lot, mostly Scrubs reruns as I fall asleep. That’s a great show by the way.

likebetter

hawkeyegirl — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 14:24:33 +0000

I’ve recently been a little obsessed with this site. See how well you know me: http://likebetter.com/doyouknow/Hawkeyegirl

Post a comment once you try it. Unless you are a spammer, I am SICK of spam comments!