hawkeyegirl.com » Ramblings

Bad writing makes unicorns cry

hawkeyegirl — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:09:50 +0000

This is just too funny.

I have a hard time articulating what I mean when I say ‘bad writing’ but The Telegraph does an excellent job pointing out the factual errors and just ugly prose in the various Dan Brown books.

Some of my favorites-

“14. Angels and Demons, chapter 100: Bernini’s Fountain of the Four Rivers glorified the four major rivers of the Old World – The Nile, Ganges, Danube, and Rio Plata.

The Rio de la Plata. Between Argentina and Uruguay. One of the major rivers of the Old World. Apparently. “

Seriously? A major, overwhelmingly popular author can’t spend two minutes on Google? Anyone, anywhere could look this up and see the error.

“19. The Da Vinci Code, chapter 83: “The Knights Templar were warriors,” Teabing reminded, the sound of his aluminum crutches echoing in this reverberant space.

“Remind” is a transitive verb – you need to remind someone of something. You can’t just remind. And if the crutches echo, we know the space is reverberant.”

Yet another victim of the “said is evil” school of writers. Just use ‘he said’, I promise, it won’t hurt.

“4, 3, and 2. The Da Vinci Code, opening sentence: Renowned curator Jacques Saunière staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum’s Grand Gallery.

Angels and Demons, opening sentence: Physicist Leonardo Vetra smelled burning flesh, and he knew it was his own.

Deception Point, opening sentences: Death, in this forsaken place, could come in countless forms. Geologist Charles Brophy had endured the savage splendor of this terrain for years, and yet nothing could prepare him for a fate as barbarous and unnatural as the one about to befall him.

Professor Pullum: “Renowned author Dan Brown staggered through his formulaic opening sentence”. “

HA!

I know I am a book snob, but I have a difficult time grasping how people can read this stuff and call it fantastic. It drives me up the wall that all this awful writing is topping the NYT bestseller lists while some of the best writing goes completely unnoticed. Don’t even get me started on Twilight… oops, too late!

“I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly”

Good know you can go to hell without thoroughly going to hell… I think I’ll partially go to hell, you know, maybe go 40% to hell… or something.

“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”

GRAH! I think I’m going to puke now… is this a Harlequin Romance? No, it can’t be, the prose is too purple even for that! The whole passage is cheesy, cliché and just wrong. It makes me want to sing- ‘blinded by the light…wrapped up like a duce…” and the ’stars-points’ bothers me, shouldn’t it be star-points? Also, brilliancy is kind of a stupid word. Just reading this passage makes me so glad I skipped this series and even more disappointed in the readers of the world.

“When I landed in Port Angeles, it was raining. I didn’t see it as an omen —just unavoidable. I’d already said my goodbyes to the sun. “

Um, what? This sentence makes me NUTS! Who said the rain was an omen? Right… no one. Way to not use the weather as a device to set the mood. After all, that would be cliché wouldn’t it? Instead, have the main character blatantly talk about how rain isn’t an omen. That’s some crazy misdirection, now I’m all a flutter!

And finally, the following passage is the final one that I read when skimming the book at B&N, before deciding there were a few thousand other things with which I’d rather fill my time, like reorganizing the OED using the last letter of a word rather than the first or mowing the lawn with a pair of sewing scissors.

“Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft somehow, obviously not an athlete; I didn’t have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself — and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close.

Who describes themselves as ‘ivory-skinned’? Then proceeds to emphasis the point by using ‘translucent’, ’sallow’ and ‘pallid’- how many times did you use shit-F7 while writing this thing Ms Meyer? I never realized having blue eyes was an excuse. An excuse for what exactly? Brainless vanity?

When I finished putting my clothes in the old pine dresser, I took my bag of bathroom necessities and went to the communal bathroom to clean myself up after the day of travel. I looked at my face in the mirror as I brushed through my tangled, damp hair. Maybe it was the light, but already I looked sallower, unhealthy. My skin could be pretty — it was very clear, almost translucent-looking — but it all depended on color. I had no color here.

‘Communal bathroom’? I didn’t realize bathroom needed an adjective. Also, ‘day of travel’?! What the hell is that? I’m sorry, did we revert 150 years for a second and I didn’t know about it? If her skin was pretty because it is translucent-looking then no, it doesn’t depend on color. It depends on the lack of it, and she already said she didn’t get color from the sun in the previous paragraph so why is she complaining that she has no color here? IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!

This passage also works as a lovely starting out point for the rampant sexism in YA books, but that’s another post.

Catharsis, Thy Name is Music The Brat Hates

hawkeyegirl — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 18:42:02 +0000

Here is a smattering of lyrics and one whole song that I use to brighten up my day. My brother will hate them all, as usual.

my first love was a wild sinful night
I ran out with the big dogs guess I had more bark then bite
even thought I won the battle in the end I lost the fight
yeah my first love was a wild sinful night

my first love was an angry painful song
I wanted one so bad I went and did everything wrong
a lesson in reality would come before too long
yeah my first love was an angry painful song

-Wicked Twisted Road by Reckless Kelly

i’m waiting and fading and floating away
the curtains are torn and the setting decayed
i’m waiting and fading and floating…

-Panic Switch by Silversun Pickups

I can’t remind you all the time
Bring it back, bring it back
To where we were before
I can’t remind you all the time
No, no
Bring it back, bring it back

-Cigarette Song by All American Rejects

Old money helped him hide

his lack of education

now he’s using it to hide

the bruises on her cheek.

- Cursing the Ohio by Matt King

Girl if you’re the cure
give me the needle
bury it deep and
free me from this evil

‘Cause lonely’s setting in,
and my heart’s in bad condition.
Come on girl give in and feed my addiction.

I have tasted Eden’s Apple and
there’s venom in my veins
the bite still burns
I’ve lost the battle and
now only love can kill the pain

so tempt me with a whisper and
tease me with a touch and
cut me with those kisses and
let me bleed your love

now I’m walking through the garden
but it ain’t paradise
it’s cold and growing darker
with every lonely night

I ought to be ashamed
I know that its forbidden
but my soul bears your name
I don’t want to be forgiven

-Eden’s Apple by Matt King

theres not a lot of room to spare
in the belly of the beast
it makes a rumbling sound
shakes the earth beneath my feet

Bristol by Matt King

Well the sky was gray,
And the sea was green,
And your eyes were a colour,
That never been seen.
Got lost somewhere,
Out in-between,
Where I wasn’t where you wanted me to be.
Gonna get on my pony and ride,
Gonna get on my high horse and fly.

-Pony by The Waifs

It’s your turn to burn
Covered up in lies
And still so full of pride
I hope you choke
Cause its the sex I’ll miss the most

-Mosquito by SR-71

Through my bloodshot bourbon I caught her looking dead in the eye
I’m backed off in the corner and ready for the bullets to fly
….
Well, come on, last call, let’s get on the last train home
From the moment I walked in, I knew I wasn’t leaving alone
‘Cause when the lights are low, the blinds are closed and the shadows are on the wall
I got a way of breaking even without even breaking at all

-Bloodshot by Mickey & the Motorcars

Would you trade me for all the pretty girls,
All the ones who came before?
Who left you broken hearted,
With your back up against the wall.
…
Oh, Gather your load,
Prepare to travel the road,
That’s going to lead you from trouble and strife.

-Sun, Dirt, Water by the Waifs

You’ve crossed the finish line
Won the race but lost your mind
Was it worth it after all

-I’m No Superman by Lazlo Bane

Scotty doesn’t know that Fiona and me
Do it in my van every Sunday.
She tells him she’s in church but she doesn’t go
Still she’s on her knees and Scotty doesn’t know!

-Scotty Doesn’t Know by Lustra

It just takes some time,
little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright.

-The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

There’s nothing like a big old lie
A good record and a smoke to pass time by
Music gets me in the mood
It all kicks in and I sit back
And think about you

-Sweetness by The Waifs

Don’t touch my Willie
I don’t know you that well
Help yourself to some Haggard or some Jones
Hell, or anybody else
I don’t know what you heard
I ain’t that kind of guy
Yeah so don’t touch my Willie,
We’ll get a long just fine

-Don’t Touch my Willie by Kevin Fowler

Fear and Thought Worms

hawkeyegirl — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 18:39:58 +0000

Saturday was great fun, Sunday morning, not so much. Tequila usually doesn’t hit me too hard and I managed to get it out of it without hurling, but dear god my head hurt Sunday morning! But the house warming was a rousing success. I had a great time and think the rest did to, at least I hope so.

As much fun as it was, there was some small revelations as well. I’ve been pretty reflective and maybe a little overly sentimental since Mom died. I know this and have tried to just let it run its course but I’m starting to think it may be doing more harm then good. This phase of mine is a big reason why I haven’t posted a deep, emotional post here about her death. I don’t know that it’d be good for me right now, seeing as how I’ve been ‘in my head’ for the last 10 months. It’s getting a bit scary in there, I must say.

What the hell am I talking about? You want a point to that rambly paragraph? Well, aren’t you demanding!

Saturday, before the tequila took hold, a thought worm that’s been biding its time these past few months, bloomed big and bad. I looked at my friends and family. I saw people who’ve known me forever, people who’ve known me for just a few months. There were people who’ve seen me at my worst; people who’ve cheered my triumphs like their own, people who love me more than I deserve. People I absolutely adore. People I’d bury bodies for without a second thought, people I trust with my life, my heart and my books. I swelled up with love and joy and I felt humbled and special and blessed beyond words. Yay, happy happy awesome, for about thirty seconds.

Then the terror bubbled up.

I am so sick with fear of losing someone else. I’m paralyzed with it. Choked with it. I’ve never, ever been this scared of anything in my life. Last night I lay in bed, with The Boy snoring beside me (stupid sleep apnea) and almost lost it. I’d just tried to explain to him how scared I was of losing him and I failed. He told me he’d try to get healthier, but I don’t think he understood what I was saying. I am emotionally drained, I’m grieving and sad and I know all that is normal. The hard-ass logical side of my brain says this fear is normal too, but fuck, why is it so damn strong?!

It has gotten the point where at least a few times a day I look at someone I care about and have an internal freak out about them dying. It’s exhausting and depressing and contributes heartily to my strange mood swings. I can’t stay happy for very long, no matter what. I don’t know how to fix this. I keep hoping it’ll go away, that it is just a normal reaction to losing such a huge part of my life and I’ll learn to cope. I don’t usually associate fear with ‘bad’ emotions. I usually like it, on a roller coaster for instance, or moving some place new or driving way too fast. I’m used to fear being a wiggly, prickly thing in my stomach and goose bumps and that crazy, almost high thrill of being alive.

Now it’s something completely different. It’s cold and huge and painful. I do stupid things like count up the numbers of people in my life and figure the law of averages states x number will have some terrible accident or get some horrid disease or god knows what. I don’t even do it consciously anymore, it seems to happen on its own until I’m centimeters from a full panic attack at the thought of which one? Who will I lose? Who is unhealthy? Who drives like an idiot? And so on until only a tight grip pulls me back from hyperventilating and find something, anything to distract me from the morbid thoughts. Hell, I even do real work to get away from it and we all know how much I love doing actual insurance work.

I don’t really know what to do at this point. It’s gotten so I avoid some people, trying to pull away from loved ones without thinking about it. Trying not to care as much as I cower from the idea of the pain, the pain of losing someone else. That’s really what it is. I’m terrified of the immense grief, the deep sadness, the whole process of losing someone. It’s times like this I wish I had the kind of personality that is comfortable with religion. Faith just isn’t a part of who I am, but it’d be damned useful at times like this.

I’m hoping writing this out will help. I’m hoping some more time will help. I realize if it doesn’t I’m going to have to bite the bullet and find some outside help. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but I’ll do what I have to. It hasn’t even been a year since Mom died. There are probably a hundred other thought worms and mental changes happening or waiting to happen to me as I learn to live this whole new, Mom-less life. I fully expect to spend the rest of life grieving in some way. I’m giving myself time and space to get over the worst of it, but fuck, it’s hard.

P.S. The moral of this story is, don’t call me and tell me if you do something stupid, like drive your car off a ramp or jump through flaming hoops on a motorcycle. Please, I’m begging you, for the sake of my sanity, don’t do anything stupid. Or at least, don’t tell me about it!

Delightful Desperate Measures

hawkeyegirl — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 18:07:28 +0000

Moving. Such a lovely, meaningful experience; sweaty, aching, tired people with wobbly muscles and short tempers…I’m so fucking glad its over!

Adjusting hasn’t been so bad thus far, I’m hoping it stays that way.

The cat and the dog have yet to be in the same rooms together without growling, but I’m thinking they’ll get over it pretty soon. I hope so, I miss having Cleo on the bed with me.

We have too much stuff, honestly. But The Boy is a pack rat and won’t get rid of ANYTHING. I’ve got no idea how we’re going to fit it all in.

I really can’t talk though, because I have more books than most small town libraries. I have no place to put them and all they do, right now is take up room. I have to tell you though, I am SO excited at the prospect of spending something like two days organizing, cataloging and generally geeking out over my books! Now I have the room to do it!

We still need a dishwasher, some fencing, a side table or two and lots of rugs but overall it really is going well. I’ll post some more when I get some time. Stay tuned for a little fiction.

Even More Friday Fill-Ins

hawkeyegirl — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 14:47:12 +0000

1. Fourth of July is my favorite summertime holiday.

2. My favorite John Hughes movies is Breakfast Club.

3. Suede is something I love to touch.

4. The full moon is peaceful.

5. Thinking about parties right now.

6. When daylight fades I come alive.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with The Boy, tomorrow my plans include unpacking and going to a party and Sunday, I want to get some more unpacking done!

As always, click here for the Friday Fill-ins Blog.

Coulda Woulda Shoulda

hawkeyegirl — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 17:35:28 +0000

Found on one of my favorite blogs, Hey Lady.

Coulda Woulda Shoulda

I can’t

watch the news anymore
seem to find an exciting exercise routine
make a decision with regard to my next tattoo- too many options!
sleep most of the time
believe the way my life has turned out

I can

read for 24 hours straight
read and understand 5 or 6 different languages,
accept people as they are
learn quickly
see both sides of the argument, almost every time

I won’t

be leave the house without a book
eat seafood
give up my beliefs and values
stop wearing sandals until it snows
“settle down”

I will

always have a cat
never stop buying books
see my Mom in my eyes, always
re-read my favorite books until they fall apart
be myself, no matter what

I shouldn’t

bite my nails
forget where I come from
drink so much caffine
avoid the dentist
let my job get to me

I should

find a satisfying job
take better care of my feet
cook more
remember the love
accept my limits

More Friday Fill-ins

hawkeyegirl — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 20:03:40 +0000

So we’ve moved, it’s great and I’ll post about it soon. In the meantime, here is the Friday Fill-ins I missed a few days ago…

And…here we go!

1. It’s time for a beer.

2. A staircase; it’s not a bad place for a quickie!

3. I must be stronger than I think, I’m not too sore from the move.

4. Friendship is the best thing I have ever known.

5. My dog is simply insane.

6. The last time I laughed really loudly was when Jason talked in his sleep.

7. And as for the week(end), tonight I’m looking forward to more unpacking, tomorrow my plans include working (ick) and then coming home for the first time to my new house and Wednesday (Sunday), I want to have as much unpacked as possible!

As always, click here for the Friday Fill-ins Blog.

Because I’m creatively-challenged

hawkeyegirl — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 16:29:40 +0000

I came across some bloggers doing the Friday Fill-ins, which naturally led me to wanting to copy them and do it myself. So here we go…

1. Universal health care is not the end of the world.

2. Sitting here, listening to the sound of rain falling, I want to go play in it.

3. Victory tastes so good!

4. Sometimes, putting others first is a good way to feel better about yourself.

5. Love is breathtaking, really.

6. Well, maybe there is a Santa Claus.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to more packing, tomorrow my plans include packing and going to Fort Dodge and Sunday, I want to recover and…more packing!

Click here for the Friday Fill-ins Blog.

Now Playing

hawkeyegirl — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:06:19 +0000

Yes, I went a month without posting. I suck. There are plenty of things to blog about- another ghost hunt, a trip to a paranormal conference, many new books to review etc. Things are a bit crazy right now- we’re trying to find a place to live and I’m searching fanatically for a new job (that’s another post). Therefore I’m just updating the now playing info until I have a second to breathe.

Watching: So You Think You Can Dance? has replaced AI for my weekly TV night with the girls. We are walking too! So proud of us. Oh, I am liking Burn Notice but don’t have cable or reliabile internet, so I rarely see it.

Listening: M79 by Vampire Weekend and Mosquito by SR-71. Also the Naked Scientist Podcasts

Shopping: Nothing right now

Playing: Bowling on the Wii, sometimes Boxing

Reading: Santa Olivia by Jacqueline Carey, while I wait ever so impatiently for Namaah’s Kiss

“Marge, you’re right. We do have to have a party!”

hawkeyegirl — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:22:29 +0000

So I had a pretty good weekend, had my birthday party a bit early (the actual day is next Monday) but for a variety of reasons we had it early. I got to see some people I hadn’t seen in a while, meet some new friends and generally had a drunken good time. I also made an ass out of myself on numerous occasions, but I suppose that is to be expected. Afterall I can barely maintain my composure sober sometimes, alcohol is a guarentee for stupidity.
Other than that our ghost hunting team had a meeting, where we were lucky enough to get a new member. More about that later- we have another hunt sceduled in two weeks.
I have a big decision to make, about moving. It’s complicated and doesn’t just effect me, so I have no idea what is going to happen, but I may be moving in a few months.
I am really pushing hard to get a new job. I check the web every other day or so, I’ve rewritten my resume a few times, hoping something, anything will pop up. I’m not making nearly enough money and while I realize the economy sucks monkey balls right now but I know I have the education and experience to do at least a little better than this piece of shit company is willing to give me. Any help is always appriciated, if you see anything. I am willing and even eager to move out of the state, or even the region, so if you see some awesome job for a anthro grad somewhere on the west coast… wishful thinking, I know.
I miss Mom every day. This rebuilding my life thing sucks. I’m so effing tired…sleep is harder to get then a mortgage these days.

Title Credits: “The Mansion Family” Episode 12, Season 11